Unicorn + Peacock = ?
I love Christopher Columbus. Regardless of whether or not he actually discovered America, my kids get the day off from school. So, we won’t be late today! It doesn’t matter what time I get up something always comes up that delays our departure. Just recently, we were late to school because my daughter wanted to draw a unicorn. Let me repeat: she refused to leave until she drew a unicorn. She is obsessed with an imaginary animal. Dear God, please don’t let her grow up to play Dungeons & Dragons. She will draw unicorn-dogs, unicorn-birds, unicorn-cows, etc. They all look alike. Her creations are nothing like this picture posted on…
My bologna has a first name….
I cook dinner (almost) every night. It’s not because I am a subservient wife. I have three children who demand to eat three meals a day. I know, who do they think they are? Some days we grab take-out and my husband is left to fend for himself when he gets home from work. Then, there are days when I just don’t feel like cooking and they eat sandwiches. Bottom line, my husband does not expect a hot meal on the table when he gets home at night. He is grateful when I do cook. (As he should be) When I read a story about a woman in New York…
Ryan Gosling won’t eat his cereal
This may be the greatest Ryan Gosling YouTube video thus far. Eye candy + funny = Watch this video on YouTube
I have a confession. I am a superhero. Some people may have suspected this all along. You may be scratching your head asking, “What is her special power?” Well, I can see things in my house that nobody else can see. Here are a few: 1.) Syrup spilled in the refrigerator 2.) Juice spilled in the refrigerator 3.) Anything spilled in the refrigerator 4.) Bag of chips, crackers, etc. with only crumbs inside 5.) Socks on the bedroom floor 6.) Lint on a carpet 7.) Toys in front of a door 8.) Shampoo bottles knocked over in the shower 9.) Full garbage cans 10.) Dishes in the sink 11.) Pubic…
Excuse me Siri?
I am sure this post will offend some people. I know it’s hard to believe, but not everyone enjoys my humor. It has to be difficult to laugh with a stick up your ass. I need to get a “Holier than Thou” filter for my inbox. I am pretty sure Jesus frowns on hate email. Anyway…… I learned an important lesson last night about computerized women. You should never leave your children alone with them. My 5-year-old, up past his usual bedtime due to a jelly bean induced sugar high, was walking around the kitchen with his Ipod asking Siri ridiculous questions. “Did you poop?” “I hate you,” he giggled.…
Another Hollywood actress has some advice on how you can be a better parent. (I just threw up in my mouth.) Jessica Alba has written a book called “The Honest Life: Living Naturally and True to You.” She says it is “super easy” to do the things in her book. The title alone makes me want to punch her. Among other things, Jessica recommends leaving plastics outside for a few days to off-gas the chemicals. Really? Clearly, she doesn’t have feral cats in her neighborhood. Plus, try telling your kid he or she can’t play with a toy until it airs out. Can you say meltdown? She also recommends making…
Best Obit Ever
This is the greatest obituary ever. Why? It is honest and funny. I didn’t know Harry, but I feel like I did. This obit, written by Harry’s daughter, has gone viral. It is clear he was quite a character and loved by his family. I hate obituaries that merely boast about one’s accomplishments. Guess what? When you are dead it doesn’t matter how many years you were were the President of Rotary. (or that you were never invited to join. eh-hem.) It doesn’t matter if you graduated at the top of your class in high school. By the way, lose the class ring Mr. Mid-Life Crisis. Your birthstone bling isn’t…
My daughter and I had another tea party. At the rate we are going, I am pretty sure there’s going to be a tea shortage. I tried to take our picture, but every time the camera clicked (damn delay) she would giggle, lean forward and say, “We are SO fancy.” You should have recorded that. I know, I know. I also should have recorded her scolding me for sitting on the cat. Hold up! Don’t call animal control just yet. We don’t have a cat. I am allergic. Knowing this, my husband brought two kittens home last year. “They can live in the house outside.” He was talking about my…
Mom Takes Children’s Songs Literally
I was in desperate need of something to smile about. This article actually made me laugh. “Mom Takes Children’s Songs Literally” comes to us from Mcsweeneys.net Kudos to Sarah Schmelling. Here are a few of my favorites: – – – – What do you mean, she’ll get here “when she comes”? That’s not a time. How can I plan around that? – – And we’ll all have chicken and dumplings? All of us? Even you three vegetarians? Who’s going to be cooking these dumplings anyway? Remember that time I made pierogies? No, I bet you don’t remember that. – – Okay, someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah. What is…
I dragged my kids to a few stores today. As you can imagine they were less than pleased. It’s not my fault. They are the ones who always want to eat. (Kids these days are so demanding.) When we walked into the house a song was playing on Cartoon Network. This is completely unrelated, but have you seen the show “Adventure Time” on this station? I want to know what the hell the writers are smoking. Here are just a few of the characters: a dog made of rubber, a kid missing a nose, angry candy and a king willing to break the law for love. I would much rather…