-
Bath time
Bath time sucks. The advertising gods have a way of making it look like the highlight of each day. Children are gently splashing in the water while Mom looks on with a twinkle in her eye. Don’t get me wrong, my kids love hopping in the tube. Literally. They love to hop in the tub. I would be a millionaire if I got a $1 each time I said, “Sit down. You’re going to fall.” The other popular phrase is, “Don’t put the water in your mouth.” Do they realize they are drinking their own filth? I spend 10 minutes hunched over the tub trying to get shampoo out of…
-
Dinosaur Days
I have been an emotional wreck lately. Sure, some of my instability can be blamed on hormones. However, it also has a lot to do with the fact that my baby will soon turn 13. I will be the mother of a teenager. It really started to sink in over the past few days while cleaning the basement. I came across a huge bin of dinosaurs. My son loved every kind of dinosaur. He knew everything about them. I can easily say we had hundreds of dinosaur toys. As I picked up each toy I could see him crouched on the kitchen floor, a Tyrannosaurus in one hand and a…
-
Flu Shot
Well, that went well. I was optimistic going into today. Sure, I had to take my children to get flu shots. Sure, I was outnumbered 3 to 1, but I am the parent. I had my purse stocked: I also didn’t tell them where we were going. Some parents believe you should be honest with your kids. I believe it is in everyone’s best interest not to have children screaming before we even walk into the doctors office. My 12-year-old new the deal. My 5-year-old figured it out the minute we sat down. I would love to tell you he handled himself with dignity and grace. I would be lying.…
-
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater
It’s always a good time with my friends until one of the girls talks about sex in front of my pubescent son. We met today at a local pumpkin farm, husbands and children in tow. It’s an annual tradition. This place is like a poor man’s amusement park. Admission is less than $50 for a family of five. There are huge slides, games, a corn maze, wagon rides, farm animals, etc. Plus, this year they added a zip line: I was the middle-aged woman screaming like I had just bungee jumped off the grand canyon. It was fun though. Actually, it was the perfect day. We ate cider donuts and…
-
Knock, knock, you’re dead
My daughter just told a knock, knock joke she made up that leads me to believe she A.) Doesn’t quite grasp the concept of a joke B.) Has a sick sense of humor like her mother C.) May grow up to be a serial killer Here is the joke: HER: “Knock,Knock” ME: “Who’s there?” HER: “You” ME: “You who?” HER: “You fell off the scooter and hit your face on the road.” She laughed hysterically. I said, “Well, that would hurt Mommy.” Her reply? “Learn how to take a joke.” Read More: Cynicalmother.com
-
CD is 30
Last night I decided to upload some old skool music to my IPhone. I dragged out my CD binder circa 1993. See kids, back in the day we would keep this in our car and have a wide array of music at our fingertips. This is well before you could magically make a song appear on a MP3 player. My 5-year-old strolled into my bedroom as I was sifting through my music library. “What are those, movies?” he said, pointing to a CD. I informed him that it was a compact disc, “There are songs on here.” Come to think of it, I have not purchased a compact disc during…
-
Don’t copy!
Can anyone out there bail be out of jail? My 5-year-old son is turning me in. He is in kindergarten and just started bringing home small paper books. Get down from your tree hippie, I know all books are made out of paper. I mean, these are printed at the school. I’m sure they pay a publishing company a ridiculous amount of money for the right to copy 4 pages. I could have written these books myself. “I can run. You can run. We can run.” ( I think it’s pretty presumptuous of the author to assume we all can run.) There are a lot of popular children’s books written…
-
Mission Impossible
Sometimes I envy people who can put their child into bed at night and walk away. I’m a wuss and was never able to leave the room when my babies were crying. So, I have rocked them to sleep or laid down with them. (We even went for car rides at midnight to get my son to sleep) There is nothing like having a child fall asleep in your arms. However, there are those nights when you just want the kids to go to f****** sleep. My husband and I have been trying to watch a movie together for the past, oh, year or so. We were going to make…
-
Ponyboy
My son’s homework assignment brought back a flood of memories. His class is reading the coming of age novel, “The Outsiders.” The assignment was to complete the first chapter and list descriptions of each character. I told him I had a poster of Ponyboy and Johnny on my wall when I was younger. I think I cut it out of Tiger Beat Magazine. Whatever happened to C. Thomas Howell anyway? Me: “The Outsiders was made into a movie in the 80’s” My son: “You were alive in the 1980’s?” Me: “Yes. I was alive.” My son: “Wow. Did the movie have any special effects?” Me: “No, but it was a…
-
Knight Rider
I am not one to turn a blind eye to criminal activity. However, this is one situation I believe breaking the law may be justified. Barbie has apparently kidnapped David Hasseloff. Yeah, this toy is old skool! My daughter says he is Barbie’s Daddy and they are going for a ride. We all know what happened in a Soprano’s episode when someone went for a ride in the trunk. You don’t come back. Perhaps Barbie caught “The Hoff” eating another In and Out burger. That is one disgusting video I will never be able to get out of my head. I had a stern talk with my daughter about why…